Demi Lovato Sweating the Hits

Capitalism, it never ends, except when it does (Louisiana?  Anyone?).

So there’s always more crappy products to buy and more stupid teenage Disney leftovers to sell.

Enter sweaty Demi Lovato.  Someone get the new model out, this copy is already expired.  A shiny, pampered, useless, excessive sweating mess of mediocrity singing meaningless lyrics into a placated zombified consuming mass.

Not So Sweaty Here, Demi Lovato: Consume by 2009

Why do you exist?  Seriously?  Why do you exist?  You neither move music forward or backwards.  You’re the Ground Hog Day of culture, made for the uninformed, tasteless, consuming masses to throw out your CD’s when they know better…

Your a tourist trap for retarded tourists.  Okay, we’re gonna stop, we’re in a sweaty bad mood.

Here, have a pretty picture, it made us feel a little better after listening to her crime-against-humanity music:

I’m special! I’m so special! Look at me!

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Jessica Simpson Sweats Into PG-13

Thank you?  Okay, what else is there left to say?  Is there more Jessica Simpson nipple slip sweating?  Yes!  There’s more!

Ah, the gods of sweating, you have not forsaken us!

It's a Tough Job, But We Have to Report On ALL Sweating

Sweaty Jessica Simpson,  you’re so good at… well, being Jessica Simpson!  Go you!

Click here for more Jessica Simpson related hot sweating!

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If Sweat Could Talk, Mario Would Have a Real Career

Sweaty Mario Lopez, otherwise known in his female form as, Camila Alves, is a Hollywood phenomenon know as the the mega-attractive cable host with zero personality.  Somehow, someway, for some unexplainable reason, somebody gave both of them their own show to host.  Isn’t that cute?  It’s like giving a baby a laptop or George W. Bush the presidency.

And seriously, Camila Alves?  Celebrity baby dispenser Camila Alves?  Host of Shear Genius?  What?  Does Matthew McConaughey really have that kind of power or are the people at Bravo all retarded elves?  Either answer is tremendously frightening on an unimaginable scale, really makes us sweat.

For more A.C. Slater sweating, click below:

A.C. Slater All Grown-Up and Extra Sweaty!

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Christina Aguilera Sweating Through Layers and Layers of Makeup

What do we have against perspiration joker face Christina Aguilera?  Oh nothing but everything!

Hot Christina Aguilera, No Sweating Here

Yeah, we know, she’s all kinds of hot and sweaty!  But she’s even more kinds of mediocre!

If you work in the industry (the entertainment industry) and have dealt with sweaty Christina Aguilera, you know the nightmare of insecurity and power that is today’s vapid pop princess.  For example, she demands makeup on all of her parts…  Yes, her arms, legs, everything and this was even back when she was a teenager…

And her music?  It’s most likely used to torture terrorists somewhere, True Hollywood Story.  But it’s all okay, because she’s now graduated to celebrity mom and you can also see her on some highly annoying commercials lately.

In the GQ issue where she appears on the left, sweaty Christina Aguilera expressed disappointment in fellow singer Mariah Carey, saying that Carey ”was never cool to me.”

Christina Aguilera continues the story with:

“One time we were at a party, I think she got really drunk, and had really derogatory things to say to me.”

Mariah Carey then of course released a statement:  ”It is sad yet predictable that she would use my name at this time to reinvent past incidents for promotional gain.”

Christina Aguilera then responded by saying, “My intentions were not to upset Mariah with any statements published or taken out of context. I have all the respect in the world for her.”

We really don’t like either popstar, but we really don’t like Mariah Carey…  And think she’s even trashier than Christina Aguilera, but we love a meaningless sweaty celebrity battle!

Here’s one of her recent songs…  Get it, she’s knows how to press buttons, how cute!

Click here to view the embedded video.

Yes, all kinds of meaninglessness…  And you can’t have that time back.

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If Only Sweaty Armpits Could Sing and Play Guitar

This guy might as well be from Orange County, cause he sucks like the suburbs suck, like Gavin Rossdale from Bush sucked, like all that has ever sucked in the past… Oh, this guy, and McFly sucks like a huge vapid black hole of sucking, a whole gigantic vortex of nothingness sucking, but somehow sweating while sucking.

This guy has obviously more talent in his sweaty armpits then in his head and hands. Yeah brah, rock on in that pink shirt dude, you’re so awesome the way you sing those love songs, dude, yeah, keep riding that wave of mediocrity. Go back to the suburbs like the leftover sprawl of mediocrity that you are.

Danny Jones Sweaty Hair is So Rocking

Sweaty dude who’s sweating still sucks (and he’s making our thinking suck). Seriously, who listens to this crap? Of all the great music being made today and yesterday, why does Pop Punk or this kind of Pop Rock even exist? This crap makes use sweat from frustration like nothing else, we’d love to kill this genre with fire.

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Proving that it’s really hard to fade away softly or with any level of grace, extra-sweaty Madonna just loves the PR, any and all PR. Madonna’s people or minions have been sweating, while working overtime spreading rumors of an affair or extra-special friendship with Alex Rodriguez, otherwise known as A-Rod. Yes, Madonna only has relationships with dudes with macho names or nicknames (Guy Ritchie, Sean Penn, A-Rod), we do not know why this is, if you have theories, let us know.

Anyways, back the A-Rod and sweaty Madonna, this thing is retarded. It makes no sense. This is how the celebrity world works, it’s all cloak and daggers to get into the tabloids, because fake sweaty celebrity news is good sweaty celebrity news, and in the end, everyone makes money…

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“Did I put antiperspirant on?”

“Do I suck so much that I’m beginning to stink like some kind of bad culture black hole?”

We think these are the kinds of questions Madonna is asking with the following promotional pic from her army of Photoshop whores.

Somebody’s going to get fired. What the hell is Madonna suppose to be doing in the above image? We know she doesn’t smell good, but does she have to advertise her overly sweaty armpits to the world?

You know you’re old when you have no bloody idea what the hell is cool anymore and you have to hire people to put “cool” on you like it’s some kind of alien idea. All the money in the world isn’t going to make Madonna relevant or hip once again, because the sweat-prone former Popstar can only rent cool, she can only date hipness, because to her, real culture is a cheap whore that she visits every time she has a new album out. But honey, it isn’t. Real culture is knowing who you really are and how it relates to the outside world. Cool is figuring out something awesome for yourself, in relation to you and what you believe in and sharing it with the world. Justin Timberlake isn’t cool, he’s not even close. Oh sweating, failing Madonna, why must you continue to torment the world?

If you had any idea of what’s good in music, you would of teamed up with Daft Punk, Boyz Noize, or Kanye West… But you continue to suck in your old woman sweaty way…

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What the hell is that on her armpit? If Britney Spears other Celebrity Sweating appearances are indicative, then this is just another excessive sweating Britney moment. You think the paparazzi leeches would pass her some antiperspirant every once in a while, but they just suck the filth that comes to the top…

Good news for the sweating, clothes-challenged former Popstar however, as the Los Angeles prosecutors are refusing to file charges for the Britney Spears incident where she ran over some over zealous paparazzi’s foot.

After reviewing police records and a videotape of the incident last year, Deputy District Attorney Joseph D. Shidler wrote Friday that the “only way the victim’s foot could have been where the video indicates it to be was by the victim placing it in that location.“ The photographer, who was not identified in the report, filed a criminal complaint against Spears in early May, nearly six months after the alleged incident. The report describes Spears’ as “driving at an extremely slow rate of speed and in a straight path.“ Spears told police she didn’t remember the incident, and prosecutors believed her. “There was much commotion and noise at the time and there is no proof that the suspect was aware of what happened,“ she said.

We don’t think perspiring Britney is essentially a bad person, trashy and really stupid yes, evil, no…

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How big of a sweaty douche bag is Sammy Hagar?

Sammy Hagar is an avid Republican, supporing and donating to Bush and Cheney in 2003. Yeah, he supports torturers, liers and criminals who steal from ordinary hardworking people, Rock ‘n’ Roll dude! How can one person be such a sweaty douche bag?

See the thing is, David Lee Roth parachuted into a Van Halen concert. That’s right, he landed on stage and then the show started, if that doesn’t make you sweat awesomeness, if that’s not badass, what is? How can any sweaty curly-haired, clown-look-alike think he could replace David Lee Roth? He can’t and didn’t, Van Halen sucked after Roth left and sweaty pits Hagar continues to suck to this day.

That was one of Roth’s big ideas. I’m not even sure why, but he said, ‘Let’s parachute into the (Anaheim) stadium.’ Of course, we couldn’t do it ourselves, so we hired four professional sky divers to to jump out of an airplane before our set. The idea was that we would wear identical gear and run on stage and pretend it was us that jumped out of the plane. So there we were, wearing these crazy, heavy outfits, sweating our balls off, waiting for the sky divers to come down so we could jump on stage. It was silly, and it almost turned into a complete catastrophy, because while we were trying to get out of the gear, Al severely twisted his ankle and had to play the show with practically a broken foot.

Okay, so they didn’t parachute onto stage, but it was still awesome… What did they do during sweaty Sammy Hagar’s tenure? Not much but fade away…

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Sweaty Pits Mandy Moore is impossibly cute, but we tend to believe that if you whispered in her ear, you’d hear an echo. Perhaps not as loud of an echo as Avril Lavigne’s empty “punk” skull would make, but Mandy Moore is just empty, and sweaty, but not retarded. But who really knows? Maybe you just have to act dumb to sell to tasteless teenage girls. Whatever the case, she makes us sweaty, with that plush face accenting a curvy, perspiring body. More Mandy Moore, but with less sweating, down below:

A big sweaty, hubba hubba. Sweaty Mandy Moore is someone’s answer to a midlife crisis and definitely our future ex-wife…

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Sweaty and hot, Hilary is in Brazil on some sort of tour…

After being forced to watch her music videos, we have a few things to say.

There, we’ve vented and aren’t so depressed anymore, let’s continue with the sweat talk with some more Hilary Popstar Muff.

Glowing, sweaty Hilary Duff, all production and no value, basically a pornstar with a mediocre voice and a better upbringing…

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Yeah, we know, we really have no mercy for sweaty celebrities. But hey, they signed up for the attention damn it and we’re only human, no one notices our sweating, while, they are, well, celebrities which are sort of like mini-gods, except no one goes to war over celebrities (unless of course, you count Word War One, that’s an entirely other student research paper, we’re not going there) and they again, signed up to be mini-gods. Neither Jesus, Buddha, the Hindu gods or Muhammad signed up, they were all sort of called to duty, no bull, really. Well, Muhammad is sort of a grey area, but we’d rather not sweat our days worrying about death threats, so we’ll just work on some Muhammad comics.

There ain’t no sunglasses that can cool that there sweaty swamp mess, but there be plenty O’computers that can fix that face and make that voice palatable for taste-challenged teenage girls everywhere (and some boys)… Talentless popstars, not just in America, but mostly so…

Welcome to America, however, be careful, we might imprison you for no reason without a trial or turn you into popstar with screaming teenage girls running after you where ever you go, but most likely, we’ll just ignore you altogether, just try not to sweat it out too much…

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Under the new ten-year deal with Live Nation, Madonna is getting paid $120 million with stock options! In reality, record labels just can match an offer like this in the digital age. Live Nation will be granted the rights to three studio albums from the one time sweaty queen of pop, as well as the right to promote concert tours, sell merchandise and license Madonna’s name.

Why else is Madonna sweating so much these days?

Well because perspiring Madonna just got her sweaty hands on the Penetrator!

From the Daily Mail about Madonna’s sweaty strap-on antics:

When Guy Ritchie wed Madonna in 2000, he must have known what he was in for – she was never known for her restraint, afterall.

And seven years on, the singer’s mischievous sense of humour towards him shows no sign of abating.

Celebrating his 39th birthday at London’s fashionable Claridges restaurant, the singer chose to whip out from under the table a present which would have made most husbands turn puce.

Friends of the couple have said that in their marriage they have argued a number of times about who really wears the trousers.

Everyone at the office here at Celebrity Sweating would take it from sweaty Madonna, just for the shear story telling possibilities.

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According to USA Today which reported the Nielsen Soundscan statistics, sweaty Kelly Clarkson is waning in pop significance.

Five years after winning the first American Idol title, Kelly Clarkson may be losing it at the cash register. At least temporarily.

Her current album My December, a dark departure signaling the singer’s artistic independence and emotional turmoil, is falling short of its two peppy pop predecessors. In its sixth week on the Billboard chart, the disc dropped six slots to No. 21 after selling 26,500 copies, down 14% from last week’s 31,000, for a total of 562,000, according to Nielsen SoundScan.

None of us at the office have ever heard a Kelly Clarkson song so we fail to understand why she is famous besides the fact that a bunch of teenage Midwesterners and Southerners voted for her on America Idol. We understand her non-threatening-girl-next-door thing, but we like to think popstars are special and better than us so that when they fail (not if they fail) we can rip them apart like the culture cannibals we are… She just doens’t get us sweaty.

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You can take the sweaty beefcake wrestler out of the ring, but you can’t turn muscle into popstar talent, not even one trashy perspiring generation later. Brooke Hogan is a hulk of a disaster on stage. Frankly, we’d rather see her doing oily, sweaty body slams in the wrestling ring like her father than on stage, prancing around, with excessive leg sweat, dressed like a junkie’s transvestite Barbie doll. More evidence of excessive sweating and extremely bad taste below:

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